With a few minutes left before the MegaMillons drawing, I have decided to compile a list of my soon-to-be accomplishments. After taking care of a few of whom I consider to be elite players on Team Kristin, here's what I would do if I had $640 million:
- Build a lazy river around my modest 50 acre estate.
- Buy a jet ski for said river. Whip around like a lunatic.
- Hire Robert Pattinson to be personal bartender/pool boy.
- Buy an elephant. Name elephant Horton Von Tuskenburg. Require elephant to enjoy only the most elegant of treats, which will be fed to him by new pool boy.
- Buy Horton a lady-friend elephant for super fun elephant times. Name lady-friend Khloe Kardashian.
- Hire representation. Sue T Pain for auditory battery. Win. Watch him sob while his auto-tuner is destroyed by zoo animals.
- Pay Bel Biv Devoe $19 to play at Horton and Khloe's elephant wedding.
- Charge Bel Biv Devoe $350 for destruction of property.
- Purchase state-of-the-art camouflage. Pretend to be a shrubbery. Scare the cat.
- Wear designer sunglasses indoors, at night.
- Pay all local radio stations to stop playing Adele and LMFAO every 6 minutes.
- Gamble regularly.
- File for bankruptcy.
- Get a job in retail. Weep quietly.
