Reasons I Wouldn't Fare Well in the Hunger Games

It's easy to take freedom for granted when you've never experienced the horrors of oppression at the hands of your government. While I will be the first in line to criticize our political leaders for their sexual indiscretions, mispronunciations of words and general lack of a moral compass, I can freely admit I know nothing about what it takes to run a country. I would also be the last person on the list to be put in charge of the national debt, considering that I can justify anything that's bedazzled or made of Italian leather to be "practical, and soooo worth the extra money." What's a little extra in taxes for the 1% if it means elementary school students can carry their iPads in Michael Kors bags? It would be so cute, no? Siri says yes. 

If you have not read the Hunger Games series, I strongly urge you to do so. If anything, it has the ability to open your eyes to the "it could be worse" aspect of the current presidential/economical situation. "It could be worse" meaning, "the president could be forcing two members of each state to fight to the death like gladiators to prove he has control over us." These games can last for weeks in any type of wilderness setting. My luxurious lifestyle in these here United States has destroyed my chances at becoming victor of said Games. 

The following are reasons why the odds would not be in my favor, should I ever be reaped into the Hunger Games:

1. I have a minor aversion to bugs. And by that, I mean I shriek like the Crypt Keeper when a dust ball that I suspect could have at one time been a spider's carcass floats by. 

2. Even though I've watched Cast Away approximately 752 times, there is no way I would be able to start a fire without some kind of accelerant. Like a gas fireplace. I'm not confident in my ability to use matches without singing off my eyelashes. I AM confident in my ability to perform Ice, Ice Baby (including dance moves) to a level of such perfection that Vanilla Ice himself would send me provisions for the arena. And probably an engagement ring.

3. When I'm hungry, tired, hot, cold, or don't have access to WiFi I become such an insufferable hell beast that my competitors will spear me just to save themselves from the constant barrage of complaints about there not being a Longhorn Steakhouse in the arena. 

4. My coordination is less than stellar. The chances of me severing an artery as a result of tripping over, well, nothing, are far better than my actually being taken out by another tribute. 

5. Thanks to the many hours of Man vs. Wild watched during my brief period of unemployment, I know what you have to resort to when trying to survive in extreme wilderness conditions. And I would sooner leap to my death than chew on a yak's eyeball and wear its hide as a sweater.

6 - 10.  I don't run.

So I can complain about the direction in which the country is headed, that we are going to be doomed to endless poverty if we don't stop voting for idiots who are more concerned with their jump shot than implementing "change." But as of right now I'll say it could be worse. We could be Canadian.